


The only other lonely soul in this place

by Dansnotavampire



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Daydreaming, Getting Together, Just to be safe, M/M, Mild Gore, Pining, Sad, What-If, Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-24 05:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20700668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dansnotavampire/pseuds/Dansnotavampire
Summary: Martin Blackwood cannot leave and so instead, he dreams.





	The only other lonely soul in this place

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sad. Title from party of one by Brandi Carlile. Come scream @ me in the discord or @dansnotavampire on tumblr

The thing is, Martin could so easily have said yes. The temptation to do so, to grab Jon's  <strike>lapels face</strike> hand, and leave, leave with him, lingers in his office like old cologne, like woodsmoke, like the heat of a newly-absent lover on a pillow. It swims around him, almost tangible, and he comes so close to giving in, to standing and running after Jon, to promising to leave the archives with him, with  _ only  _ him, and to live the rest of their lives together. 

But Martin has a job to do, so he doesn't. He has a different God to serve, so he doesn't. 

He knows it would never end happily, so he doesn't. What he does instead, is what he has always done. He daydreams. 

In this daydream, Martin says yes. Of course he says yes, because in this dream he doesn't have to think about saving the world, or the Extinction, or the blindness. In this, that's someone else's job, and when Jon looks Martin in the eyes and says that maybe the two of them getting out of there together is worth it, Martin can agree with him, and they can leave. 

In this version of events, Jon gives Martin the knife. He sits in a chair and faces Martin, eyes wide, open, trusting. His eyes are beautiful, brown and dark as a midnight sky, with flecks of a vibrant, unnatural green in them. They are so beautiful, and the part of Martin who is still young - who lied on his resume, who brought a fucking  _ dog  _ into the archives, who almost got killed by a mad worm lady to impress Jon - thinks that they are too beautiful to be destroyed. The adult Martin understands that, as beautiful as Jon's eyes are, the rest of him is far more worth saving, and, hands shaking, he scars those beautiful eyes white. Jon doesn't cry out, but Martin holds him anyway, whispers "I'm sorry," into his soft, soft hair. 

Jon says he forgives him, that he trusts him, and in this daydream Martin is confident enough to believe him. 

Jon is ill, for lack of a better word, for weeks after that. It's not just the sightlessness, it's something… more, the weeks of undereating and never sleeping catching him unawares, leaving him bedridden and fucking  _ grouchy _ . Martin takes care of him, makes him food and reads him books and sometimes, when everything is too much, just sits with him, silent but together. Jon touches him whenever he can, a hand wherever he can reach, a head on his shoulder, in his lap, a gentle press of lips to precious, unseen skin. 

(They talk about that early, in the daydream. Martin simply tells Jon he loves him, and Jon smiles, as young and hopeful as the first rays of sun. "I love you too, Martin," he says, in  _ his  _ voice, not the voice of a statement giver. "I think I always did." 

Martin knows Jon would never truly say such a thing, knows he wouldn't lie to him like that, but this isn't real, and so he lets himself have it.) 

In the dream, Jon gets a guide dog. She's a golden lab called Shelly, and they love her - she must be the most spoilt dog in all of Brighton. They move to Brighton, in the dream. It feels safe, there. They can go to pride together - Martin's never been to pride before; never had the time, or the friends, or the safety. He'd love to go with Jon, one day. Outside of the abstract, outside of the daydream. If  _ anything  _ about this ends well, Martin will take Jon to pride, and they'll get too drunk and they'll dance and they'll maybe kiss, and it'll be beautiful. 

Martin has to blind himself, eventually. When he no longer needs to take care of Jon. He has to hold the knife himself, but Jon has his other hand, and Jon won't be able to miss his eyes any more so than he would if Martin still had them. They're nothing special, anyway, slate grey, blue in the right light. They're just… eyes. That's all they ever were, really. 

In the daydream, Martin doesn't struggle with being blind, because he doesn't want to. It doesn't matter whether it's accurate, because it  _ isn't real.  _ He can have what he wants, here. He can have happiness, and he has it with Jon, and with Shelly, and without any eyes, or mist, or the gaping maw at the end of humanity. He can just have this. 

And then he snaps out of his reverie, and wipes his unbidden tears. He is Martin Blackwood, assistant to Peter Lukas, head of the Magnus Institute. 

And in this timeline, he has a job to do. 


End file.
